I met this poor girl the other day. She was ranting and raving over text messages about things that had taken place weeks ago. Eyes filled with hurting tears she was rehashing and overanalyzing every tiny situation, tone and look from someone who just didn’t want to be with her anymore (her acting like this- I can see why!) Her knuckles were skinless from taking out her anger on a literal punching bag (its better than the other option) and frustration could be felt every time she forced a smile in the failed attempt to hide her disappointment. EVERY little thing she took too personally and nothing was going to not offend her. Her defenses were up and built higher than ever before. The rollercoaster ride of self pride and self pity was in full swing.
World steer clear and watch out for this one!
This chick is legit, straight-jacket material.
The worst part — This poor girl that I met in the bathroom, this crazy chick, she’s the one is the one I saw in the mirror….. it’s me.
I’m same girl that never talked about feelings or got into that yucky-mushy-stuff. I avoided commitment and even the “L” word throughout high school and some college years. I had, and have, mostly guy friends because they don’t want to talk about their feelings when they could be watching the ballgame or playing paintball instead (both of which are awesome). And then one day I became the girl that wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone and let them be a big part of my world. I opened up my heart to feel, but failed at finding those feelings in return. I found myself wanting to be numb rather than feel, because at least then you cant feel hurt. I found my heart broken and scared. I was angry because I had allowed to someone to mistreat me. I was disappointed that I didn’t see it coming. I was frustrated because I allowed myself to invest in something and then it come crashing down. And I would be lying to your screen if I said I had only reached this point once. Nope, this stubborn girl didn’t learn her lesson the first time- I was in a nightmare version of deja vu.
I was a hot mess of complete craziness. The craziest part- I couldn’t just let it go. I couldn’t just be mad or just wipe them out of my life. Why did I want to hit them in face and then moments later want to just hug them tight…I was driving myself crazy and can only imagine the poor people that were around me at the time and felt the wrath of my insane and unpredictable emotions.
Then, THANKFULLY, truth trumped my trials. I couldn’t handle myself because, truth that was found – I wasn’t being humble. Humble not in the sense of it being ok to be mistreated or taken advantage of, but humble as in being able to rid myself of the negative feelings that are only temporary. And to acknowledge by letting those go, I can truly see clearly that I care for people and want the best for them. Caring about people doesn’t change. Yes our titles, our relationships and our feelings do change, but not the simple fact that I care about others- that is consistent. Being able to admit that-helps me love myself, cause lets be real- there is not much to love about the ranting lunatic I was.
So in finding that humbleness, I am learning to care about others as well as myself. I’m learning to let go of the things that change like negative emotions and cling onto the truth and the core of what matters. People matter- all of them. Some will be close to us temporarily and some long term. Some will add to our life stories and others allow us the opportunity to add to theirs. Yes, I will care with caution but I will no longer fear to feel. Being humble doesn’t promise a painless fairytale, but I am slowly finding that it does provide the freedom to feel and to care without turning back into that crazy lady.